I still wear a face mask.

I may be the only vaccinated person who wears one.

I don’t care.

This year, I enjoyed an unprecedented cold- and flu-free year. The first in my lifetime.

What else is gone? Hugs. I am not a hugger, probably something to do with my German heritage; but I feel uncomfortable with close physical contact; especially from casual acquaintances. Thanks to COVID 19, I have a ready excuse for refusing without offending huggers.

An Inconvenient Fact: Hugging releases Oxytocin (which makes us feel happy) and is considered by Mental Health professionals to be an important human connection. They also believe that those who reject hugging have issues.

Like many people, my immune system is more effective at attacking me than a virus. In the past, I suffered considerably from attending or hosting parties where an attendee was sick (“oh it’s just a little cold!”); presuming that I would either not be infected or that it would be mild (neither was true).

Tired of the continual infections and the autoimmune responses they triggered, I eventually left parties when a guest was sick, and asked infected invitees not to attend my parties. This was not well received, and I was judged harshly and criticized. Not anymore!

It feels so good not to be sick. The mask provides a socially acceptable way of reducing the risk of illness. Of course, we were lucky that COVID 19 was not airborne as many masks do not protect us from airborne viruses. Still, with my mask, I have a better chance of not getting sick!

This year, I have been able to avoid travel, which requires boarding my dogs, packing a pharmacy, staying in a hotel, flying, driving and all manner of labor intensive tasks. I can catch up with my friends and family via Zoom in the comfort of my own home with my furry companions close by.

My mask means that I no longer have to apologize for not wanting to get sick. I don’t have to apologize for not wanting to hug. I don’t have to apologize for not visiting.

So, for those of us who are susceptible to illness, do not enjoy close physical contact with virtual strangers, enjoy traffic free roads, and the comforts of our homes; this has been a welcome vacation.

Angela Rieck, a Caroline County native, received her PhD in Mathematical Psychology from the University of Maryland and worked as a scientist at Bell Labs, and other high-tech companies in New Jersey before retiring as a corporate executive. Angela and her dogs divide their time between St Michaels and Key West Florida. Her daughter lives and works in New York City.

Most of us want to be special. We want to be able to stick our heads out above the crowd.

Some choose to do it by name dropping. Others choose to be special by regaling us about their careers, an Ivy League education, advanced degrees, getting elected, or travel. These can be interesting; if there are interesting or amusing anecdote associated with them.

Here is one. When I was a graduate student, I was ignored by my professors and my peers. After I received my PhD; to my amazement, when I spoke the room went quiet and people turned to listen. Just a few days before, I was another obscure, obnoxious graduate student struggling to be heard, and then with a piece of paper, all of a sudden, I was special.

Others use their children to differentiate themselves. Their child is a gifted (fill in the blank).

I was disabused of this early in my parenting career. My daughter learned to walk at 8 ½ months. She wasn’t very good at it and fell constantly. But this tiny girl who only came up to my knee would turn heads.

When I took my daughter to the pediatrician for her nine month checkup; the doctor motioned to the nurse to take my daughter to another room and began questioning me about my stress level and discipline strategy. I was pleased that she cared enough to make sure that I was okay. It wasn’t until she began asking about my daughter’s bruises that I realized that she was concerned that my daughter was being abused.

I proudly announced that my daughter was walking. Whereupon the doctor asked the nurse to bring her in and my daughter demonstrated her walking skills even trying to climb on chairs.

Satisfied that my daughter was not being abused, she proceeded with the checkup. But I was looking for to be different and special; so, I asked.

“What does this mean that my daughter is walking so early?”

The doctor looked up, “It means that she is walking at nine months old.”

I had convinced myself that it had to be more significant. I imagined that perhaps it was my awesome genes or maybe my superior parenting that had produced such an advanced child. So, thinking that the pediatrician misunderstood me, I persisted.

“She has actually been walking for several weeks now. No child I know has ever walked this young. Could it mean that she is very smart or a gifted athlete?” I couldn’t stop myself. “I mean, this is really special.”

I waited for the doctor to tell me that I had produced a genius.

Instead, the doctor looked up at me and sighed. “It means that she is an early walker, that is all.”

I couldn’t give up my potential moment of glory. “But it must mean something, it must prognosticate some early development.”

She leveled a weary gaze at me (clearly tired of parents foreseeing future glory) and said emphatically. “It means that she walked at 8 ½ months, that’s all.”

Oh well, so much for reflected glory.

Angela Rieck, a Caroline County native, received her PhD in Mathematical Psychology from the University of Maryland and worked as a scientist at Bell Labs, and other high-tech companies in New Jersey before retiring as a corporate executive. Angela and her dogs divide their time between St Michaels and Key West Florida. Her daughter lives and works in New York City.

Ahh, Spring, and this is a special Spring because we missed the last one. And during Spring our hearts turn to love. For those of us who are single, it often means getting onto a dating website. Periodically I join a paid dating site…then I quit. I have met some nice people, but nothing that makes me want to change my life.

When a woman of my age joins these websites, we can be assured that most of our potential suitors will be “catfishers.” While many of them are clever and keep me in the conversation until I catch on. This latest one is so bad, that I had to share it. (Also, I need material for a column.)

There are many ways to spot a “catfisher” and often they are online all the time and they talk about how beautiful you are. They rarely answer a question. The best way to get rid of one is to ask for a Zoom meeting.

So, for all of you voyeurs out there, here is a transcript from my most recent “suitor.”

Suitor’s “Profile”: He is a widower, about 10 years my junior, average looking, has a PhD, and lives in Annapolis.

My “Suitor”: Hello There, how are you today? what an elegance of beauty. you wear a gorgeous smile . I’m Peter, your profile piqued my interest too and am keen on getting acquainted with you , i believe we can share more interest together to see how much we have in common , soon stay blessed and beautiful. Peter.

What I Think: Oh Good Lord, knowing English would be a good start.

What I Say: It is good to hear from you, you sound very interesting. What does brutally honest and passionate mean?

(That is what something that he said on his website.)

My “Suitor”: so happy to get a response from you. It means totally submissive to honesty and passionate. what do you believe it takes to build a wonderful relationship? .for me I believe that the combination of communication, trust and mutual respect is the key in any successful relationship, and you have to find someone who is on same journey with you, and is ready to compromise or disagree to agree lol , although nothing can survive without attraction and chemistry.

What I Think: This nonsense is hard to read, but I am desperate for material.

What I Say: That is so nice, but I think that you might want a younger woman.

My “Suitor” I really do appreciate your time in responding to my text, I want you to know some few points about me, I am an Engineer, I specialized on building and construction, am an independent man who loves his job and plans well for the future and I’m in search for a lovely woman who will forever remain my life partner as well as growing old together. I don’t mind about the age. I feel okay with you.

What I Think: Will he ever answer a question? But I want to string this on a little longer (at least it keeps him from “catfishing” others.)

What I Say: Annapolis is such a beautiful town, are you a sailor?

My “Suitor” I’m not a sailor, I believe in respect. So if you don’t have self respect how can you respect others, am calm reserved and I have a big heart ,always caring of others, i love to be around nature , i have a great sense of humor, am very hardworking, . outgoing, get along with just about everyone, i have a personal relationship with God and i put him first in all i do. I love to try everything at least once! I believe you sometimes have to take chances in life. My favorite time of the the year is summer, beaches, golfing vacations. am extremely passionate and very romantic. am the kind of guy that always does his best to put a smile on the face of his woman cause i will always treat her like a queen she is with so much love and respect. I truly want to find a best friend. Someone to share all the little things that matter the most . I’m far from perfect and can’t claim to be. I believe in being nice and expect the same. I have been told that I have a great personality. I love to make people laugh. I love to cook . When I say cook I’m talking about meals that you would pay outrageous prices for .

What I Think: This guy isn’t even trying; I should be insulted that he has put so little effort into this. I think that he is stringing random words together. But I am going to try one more time to see what he is up to. Then I will report him.

What I Say: That sounds lovely. So what are our next steps? I am a little old fashioned and like the man to take charge.

What I Think: Of course, anyone who knows me knows that this is NOT TRUE.

My “Suitor” I’m good looking and i can represent. I Enjoy life to the fullest! Outgoing people, love to be outdoors, bowling, dominoes, cards, bque’s, the beach, travel, festivals, movies, as well as a quiet evening at home. Ideal Woman is outgoing, carefree, great sense of humor, hard working, loves his friends and family, and have common interest. I can be a bit of a smart azz at times but its all in good fun. Look at life as the glass half full. Positive outlook on life is very important to me. Life is a beautiful thing! Should be treated as such. Have been very blessed with a beautiful 2 kids. I have some of the best friends a man can have. Took some time out for myself. Now I’m ready for that special someone to share my life with. Could you be the one, such a cheesy line huh LOL!!

What I Think: I give up…time to report him.

Thus ends my word salad suitor.

Gotta love the Internet, you can always find good material.

Angela Rieck, a Caroline County native, received her PhD in Mathematical Psychology from the University of Maryland and worked as a scientist at Bell Labs, and other high-tech companies in New Jersey before retiring as a corporate executive. Angela and her dogs divide their time between St Michaels and Key West Florida. Her daughter lives and works in New York City.

Art is dependent on creativity and, for many, creativity comes from interacting with people and our environment. So how would emerging artists would be affected by the year of isolation?

To satisfy this curiosity, I interviewed two extremely talented young artists. Hilary Devaney, 29, a surrealistic painter and David Dunn, 30, an established local sculptor.

COVID 19 impacted each of them very differently.

Hilary Devaney

Hilary Devaney had just been accepted in the highly competitive and prestigious MFA (Masters of Fine Arts) program at Columbia University for the fall of 2020. She found herself in a program with virtual classes, virtual collaboration, and virtual mentoring. As the pandemic escalated, fear and anxiety unconsciously invaded her work. Indeed, her work is a spontaneous expression of our COVID 19 journey.

As part of the initial application process, she created 20 works of art. She had just completed these paintings when New York City closed down. In the next six months, she was only able to complete 3 paintings. But lately, she finds herself being more optimistic and more creative. I selected three of her paintings that chronicle our COVID 19 journey.

The first painting, Focus, painted at the beginning of COVID 19 is a upbeat depiction of a happy young woman with her cat looking forward to life. There is early caution about the virus in the scene (playing cards and a Magic 8 ball); but the young woman remains hopeful.

As the pandemic worsened, Ms. Devaney stopped incorporating people into her art. Remember those times when the pandemic was raging with no treatment or vaccines on the horizon? Her paintings during that time radiated fear, anxiety, and loneliness represented by a “googly-eyed” horse, darker colors, and amorphous images rather than the orderly paintings she used to do. Her walls faded away, replaced by funereal images and a horse of the apocalypse.

Now that she has been vaccinated, she still sees the world in dark colors without people, but a finish line is in sight, a path back to civilization, complete with checkered flags.

She doesn’t know how her experience of the pandemic will flow through her future work, but she is looking forward to more collaboration. Last month her professors were able to see her physical paintings for the first time.

 

 

But she did think of one advantage from the shuttered city. She was able to collaborate with artists from all over the world; now only a Zoom call away.

David Dunn

Mr. Dunn is a local sculptor who is inspired by his materials, scrap metal and tools. His challenges with COVID 19 have been

vastly different than Ms. Devaney’s.

At the beginning of 2020, he had three one-man shows scheduled and had produced a number of pieces for these exhibits. 2020 was to be his breakout year. But when the pandemic hit, all of his shows had to be cancelled.

He found himself with inventory, but no effective method of promoting it and consequently, no money to pay for new materials.

With the world shuttered away, he decided to learn a new skill, blacksmithing. After selling enough pieces to purchase a forge, he began to study this craft.

His source of inspiration has been to peru

se salvage and junk yards, but they closed due to COVID 19. Many of his suppliers were no longer willing to sell…COVID 19 fear created hoarding behaviors; and he had to find new suppliers.

For Mr. Dunn, 2020, was a year of scarcity. Scarcity of resources, scarcity of buyers, scarcity of income.

But he has persevered, producing a successful show in Florida and is applying his new skills to increase the movement in his pieces (see the purple and green sculpture below). His sense of humor prevails in the names he gives his sculptures, including Sir Clamps-a-lot.

Dunn’s art evolves as he gains expertise in new skills and equipment; and he hopes that 2020 was just an aberration. When I asked if there was anything else that he wanted to say about 2020, he said simply.

“I just want everyone to get vaccinated.”

Angela Rieck, a Caroline County native, received her PhD in Mathematical Psychology from the University of Maryland and worked as a scientist at Bell Labs, and other high-tech companies in New Jersey before retiring as a corporate executive. Angela and her dogs divide their time between St Michaels and Key West Florida. Her daughter lives and works in New York City.

PBS recently aired a NOVA episode about women and women of color in STEM (Science, Technology, Engineering and Math). It focused on the reasons why there are still few women and women of color in science.

It featured the courageous story of Dr. Jane Willenbring who, as a graduate student, had been sexually harassed by her professor on a research expedition in Antarctica. Dr. Marchant, who has since been fired, called her a slut, whore, and the “c” word. He made it clear that women didn’t belong in the field and physically harassed her and openly speculated about her sex life. He was a world-renown scientist and in order to get her degree she kept quiet, finally getting her master’s degree and going to another University to get her PhD.

She waited until she had a tenured position before filing a Title IX complaint 17 years later.

My first thought upon seeing this, was “why did she wait so long?” But then I remembered what I did. I kept silent.

I experienced dozens of incidents of serious sexual harassment (a professor closing his office door, leaning close to me, putting his hand on my knee, and telling me that if I didn’t “cooperate” I would not be getting my degree). I kept quiet and switched majors. Unlike her, I never spoke out.

Why did I keep quiet? There were a lot of reasons. At the beginning of my career, there was no such thing as sexual harassment. There were few women in STEM, and I feared that if I spoke out, I would lose everything that I had worked for. These incidents were always deliberately ambiguous. Being a powerless graduate student, I imagined my complaint would go something like this:

Professor:  I can’t believe that you thought that I was coming on to you.  I was just being friendly.  Grad students are always complaining about professors not being friendly.  Do you want me not to be friendly?

Me:  Well, uh, no, but…

Professor:  If you recall, I closed the office door because there was a lot of noise in the hallway.  You don’t remember that?

Me: Well, uh, uhm…

Professor:  And cooperate, how could you misinterpret that? I meant that you should cooperate more with your fellow graduate students, I was trying to help you.

Me: I, I, I didn’t know that I had a problem with other students. I’m sorry.

Professor (turning to the other professors): These feminists, always trying to find a problem, aren’t they? (Male professors nodding their heads.)

Being on the wrong side of the power equation, I acted like it didn’t bother me. I believed that I must be doing something wrong (not smart enough, too conspicuous, too confident); so I kept quiet, not wanting everyone to see my limitations.

In the 1990s a tenured professor at MIT, Dr. Nancy Hopkins, asked other tenured women STEM professors about their experiences. To her surprise, everyone indicated that they had experienced some level of sexual harassment. They produced a well-known report documenting the level of sexual harassment in STEM at MIT.

But research has shown that this problem is resistant to change.  There is not only explicit bias (outright harassment) there is also implicit bias against women in STEM fields. Our view of gender roles has been shaped by a lifetime of associations. (If you don’t believe that you have these biases, take the Implicit Association Test (IAT) available on the Internet.)

Researchers at Skidmore sent a resume to a representative sample of STEM faculty. The professors rated a resume of an applicant for a Laboratory Manager position. Half of the professors got a resume with a woman’s name on it; the other half got the same resume with a man’s name. The resume with a woman’s name was judged as significantly less competent in all areas. Even though it was the exact same resume.

And that is the problem called the leaky pipe. While women enter science programs in Universities at similar rates to men; by the time they obtain their PhDs, etc., only 29% remain. There are many reasons for this sharp decline, but one of them is sexual harassment.  Not the overt kind, that is obvious, it is the more insidious kind that causes one to lose confidence: unpleasant jokes, being ignored, being left out, name calling, given lesser responsibilities, research undervalued.

Things are changing, during the COVID crisis, we have been seeing more and more women scientists and doctors who are leading agencies, task forces, and being a spokesperson. More and more women and women of color are successful in STEM fields.

Over the years, the sexual harassment I experienced became less overt.

One day, I finally reported it. I had a boss who was demeaning and abusive, and I reported him for creating a toxic workplace. I don’t know why I did it, I think that I just couldn’t take it anymore and it was late in my career.

When I let one of my directors know that I had identified her as a witness; her immediate response was “that is going to cost you your career.” I shrugged.

That director called me two weeks later. “You are not going to believe this; but everyone is telling the truth; women are telling their stories.” My silence had made me believe that I was alone. But I wasn’t. HR uncovered over a dozen women who had been similarly abused, and he was dismissed.

And that is the learning, if you are experiencing abuse, speak up. It is unlikely that you are being singled out. I just hope that it doesn’t take you 35 years to learn that.

Angela Rieck, a Caroline County native, received her PhD in Mathematical Psychology from the University of Maryland and worked as a scientist at Bell Labs, and other high-tech companies in New Jersey before retiring as a corporate executive. Angela and her dogs divide their time between St Michaels and Key West Florida. Her daughter lives and works in New York City.

Spring is such a special season. It is the season of hope and rebirth. Everything is possible in the Spring. It is not a surprise that it is our favorite season; favored by 31% of women and 24% of men. (Winter, by contrast, is the favorite of only 8% of Americans.)

But when I think of Spring, I mostly think of flowers. Spring flowers signal the best qualities of Springtime; rebirth and reawakening of our senses.

Which is your favorite spring flower?

Is it the flowering trees? Red-bud trees offer a thicket of deep-pink flowers that form a network up to the sky. Or do you love the first flowering trees, the tulip trees and Bartlett pear trees whose white petals fall like scented snowflakes? How about the artistic and graceful dogwoods? Could it be the mid-season cherry and crabapple trees that offer a burst of pinks, whites, and reds?

Or are Spring bushes your favorite? Bright yellow forsythias signal the end of winter. Lilac bushes make their presence known by a distinctive fragrance that wafts through the cool Spring air. Other bushes, like azaleas, offer a shock of color, while rhododendrons and camellias delicately display their pinks, lavenders, and blues.

And who can forget the Spring bulbs? Early crocuses, daffodils and grape hyacinths signal the beginning of Spring. Fragrant hyacinths sweeten the air. Tulips are the multicolored little soldiers of Spring.

My favorite spring flowers are pansies. Pansies come in a plethora of colors: reds, oranges, purples, blues, yellows, whites, black, and dark maroons. They come with or without faces; their faces being crafted by their fifth petal and dark coloration close to the center.

In our area, pansies can survive most winters, which makes them the last flowers that I see in the fall and one of the first that arrive in the Spring. In a mild winter they can even survive in pots. This year, they successfully overwintered in my planters, their smiling faces greeting visitors and residents alike.

In the fall, as soon as the mums have finished blooming, I plant hundreds of pansies. I put them in planters, gardens with late perennials, at the edges of the lawn, and around bushes.

This was a good winter for pansies, and they re-emerged from everywhere. Their dancing faces welcomed me home from my winter migration.

So which Spring flower brings the biggest smile to your face?

Or is too hard a question?

Angela Rieck, a Caroline County native, received her PhD in Mathematical Psychology from the University of Maryland and worked as a scientist at Bell Labs, and other high-tech companies in New Jersey before retiring as a corporate executive. Angela and her dogs divide their time between St Michaels and Key West Florida. Her daughter lives and works in New York City.

I got a desperate call from a friend this morning. She had been stewing all night over a criticism and wanted my advice.

She passed the first test which is not to react or become defensive.

The next step is to remember that criticism is all about the criticizer. What were the motivations of the criticizer? Once we uncovered the motivation, she could decide what do with it.

This is not about criticism of ideas, which is a means of discourse (although I recognize that some criticisms devolve into personal attacks). This is about personal criticisms.

When to accept or reject personal criticism and is all about the motivation of the criticizer.

Criticisms to consider:

Those that come from love or expertise (but sometimes the love is disguised).

• Expert criticism/solicited advice. This is where you have engaged an expert, a boss, or an expert has reached out to you. Be receptive but recognize that the person giving the advice has a bias.
• Love wearing a “Fear” jacket. A lot of criticism (or unsolicited advice) comes from someone who loves you but is afraid of the path that you are taking. This type of criticism or advice often begins with “You should…” It comes from love, so consider it.
• Mistake. No one likes making mistakes. But if the criticism cuts deeply, and there are no apparent biases, it could be that you made a mistake and, sadly, we learn through our mistakes.
• Fixers. These people (and I am one of them) want to make things better. They are often perfectionists (guilty again).  Consider these because they are usually coming from a genuine desire to help.
• Inadvertent criticism. This is where someone makes a statement, and you take offense to it even though it is not intended as a criticism. (For example, someone doesn’t know me mentions that she doesn’t like white dogs; and I have white dogs.) Own your sensitivity.

None of those categories fit the criticism that she received. Then we started to talk about criticisms that should be ignored.

Criticisms to ignore:

Many times criticizers are projecting their issues onto you. While you should ignore the feedback, the better angels of our nature can practice compassion.

• Emotional. This is coming from the criticizer’s mood or feelings in the moment, it could be fear, anger, pain, or just plain grumpiness. Pass.
• Critical/Judgmental Person. The goal is to find fault rather than help. Pass.
• Other Than. These criticisms come from those who see you as “other” and are threatened or uncomfortable. These are frequently generalizations. “You people” “Why can’t you….” This is often not directed at you, but your tribe. Definitely Pass.
• Self-Elevation. These people need to criticize others in order to feel good about themselves. They need compassion because they have such deep-rooted insecurities. Nevertheless, pass and avoid these people.
• Envy. Psychologists have a saying “follow the envy.” Therapists use envy to uncover a deep, unsatisfied need. But envy can also be used to understand criticism. If the criticism comes from envy, ignore it. After a lengthy conversation, my friend realized that this was the source of the complainant’s criticism.

My friend ended the conversation saying that she would try to put it in perspective, but she reminded me that even inappropriate criticism hurts. She’s right. And that may be the most important lesson of all.

Angela Rieck, a Caroline County native, received her PhD in Mathematical Psychology from the University of Maryland and worked as a scientist at Bell Labs, and other high-tech companies in New Jersey before retiring as a corporate executive. Angela and her dogs divide their time between St Michaels and Key West Florida. Her daughter lives and works in New York City.

I am a queen of unsolicited advice… which is worth exactly what you pay for. But once in a while I say something that resonates with people and one of them asked me to write about it in my column.

It has been exactly a year since our world was forever changed by COVID 19. Lately, I have been reflecting on 2020, how we reacted, and what I learned.

Throughout the pandemic, our dog park in Key West remained open. Many of us who went to the park were in the high-risk group and most of our conversations centered around fear. Fear that there would be no food in the grocery store because we were literally the end of the line in America. Fear that this virus would kill us or loved ones. Fear that there was no CPE or sanitizers to protect us. Fear of empty shelves where cleaning supplies, cold remedies, meat, eggs, produce, dairy, and paper products used to be. We dared not go into the grocery stores. Empty streets, empty beaches, empty restaurants.

Each day we talked about a new scarcity, a new fear. Our conversation devolved into basic survival.

Then one day one of my favorite members of the dog park showed up with homemade masks for everyone. She created masks made of paper towels and rubber bands.

In that moment, everything shifted. We became a group of people who believed in abundance and not scarcity. Each day someone showed up with a new product that was hard to get or shared a story about how to find something. We shared everything: toilet paper, meat, CPE, homemade masks, homemade hand sanitizer. There was so much sharing that there was an amusing moment when someone asked for eggs and three people were competing to give them to her. Anything that someone needed became an opportunity to give. And nothing feels better than sharing when you have a view of abundance.

The scarcity was merely a projection. Our courageous health care workers, supply chain workers and manufacturing were working through the pandemic. In fact, there was no scarcity of toilet paper, merely a fear of it. And that scarcity view caused people to hoard, preventing neighbors from getting supplies that they needed.

The same applies to psychology. Many of our fears and anxieties comes from a scarcity viewpoint. (There is no job, there is chance for love or friendship, I don’t have enough money.). Switching to an abundance perspective allows many of these fears, anxieties and worries to go away. (There are plenty of good jobs, there are plenty of nice people, I can live within my means.) It is just that simple.

Now, of course, having an abundance viewpoint does not stave off tragedy, or address mental illness, or hunger, or many world problems.

But we live in an abundant country. Americans are the most generous people on earth. And if we can look at our worries and our anxieties from a perspective of abundance, many will fade away. So ask yourself, is my worry, fear or anxiety based on a scarcity view? What would happen if I changed to an “abundance” view?

That is the advice that a friend asked me to share with you.

Angela Rieck, a Caroline County native, received her PhD in Mathematical Psychology from the University of Maryland and worked as a scientist at Bell Labs, and other high-tech companies in New Jersey before retiring as a corporate executive. Angela and her dogs divide their time between St Michaels and Key West Florida. Her daughter lives and works in New York City.

My new furniture in Key West arrived last week.

It is not a lot: a sofa, a loveseat, and a coffee table. But it is more than that.

I have finally planted roots.

I have spent the last 5 years wondering what to do about this house. Did I want to live in it? Were two homes too much to manage?

It began simply, my husband decided that he wanted to retire in Key West and New Jersey while I continued working. His first retirement project was to renovate a home just for us. We purchased a modest house in a good location and planned to use my salary to pay for the renovation.

We closed on the house in July of 2014. My father died in October, and we decided to spend a long weekend in Key West to recover and commence our new life.

The next day I found myself racing to a Miami hospital where my husband had been medivacked after severely injuring himself in a fall. After a month-long stay in a hospital with bi-weekly surgeries, we decided he would recover in Key West and I would retire, also, to care for him.

In 2014, the home was an empty shell. While caring for him in the Miami hospital, I went online and purchased everything that we needed to get started: beds, linens, towels, dressers, silverware, kitchen equipment, pots, pans, bowls, food, and outdoor furniture, which was temporarily placed in the living room.

Over 50 boxes awaited us when we arrived back from the hospital that evening. I opened boxes until I could find enough sheets, towels, dishes, kitchen equipment, and basics.

By 3 AM, I was exhausted and took a long-awaited shower only to feel large cockroach like palmetto bugs climbing up my legs (it turns out they live in shower drains of vacant houses).  I screamed; convinced that I was in a horror movie. Then, my husband inadvertently locked the other bathroom door and we now had no bathroom, palmetto bugs the size of eggs scurrying around in the dark…and no bug spray.

When the hardware store opened, I purchased the basics. But we soon discovered that there was more in store for us. Two adjacent houses were undergoing major renovations and we spent the winter listening to the sounds of buzz saws, ceramic saws, cement trucks, drills, and jack hammers, while construction dust poured into our windows.

The dogs were still in NJ, our clothes were in NJ, our car was in NJ, our bills were in NJ. I flew to NJ while Jeff’s sister cared for him and my brother-in-law and I drove a packed car down to Key West. During that desperate winter, my husband suffered repeated relapses, staph infections, more hospital stays while secretly being consumed by an undiagnosed, rapacious cancer. He died in August 2015.

I returned that fall, a new widow, dazed and vulnerable. Now three homes were undergoing complete renovations.  My corner house was ground zero for contractor parking; and they abused it. One contractor, in particular, gleefully discovered that I was a new widow, telling another sympathetic contractor that I would be too weak to challenge him.  He anonymously reported my Christmas decorations and planters to code enforcement. At night he would move them close to the street and call code enforcement. Embarrassed, but unable to do anything, code enforcement asked me to call the police, who also sympathized, but could not help.  I finally located the new owners who stopped him.

I spent the next several years in a state of grief, depression, and fear, but most of all confusion.  What was I going to do with this house in Key West?

The first year I spread his ashes in the ocean near our home…his home.

Each year, like a migratory bird on autopilot, I returned to this home of sorrow. To me, the house was Jeff’s tomb.  A memorial to broken dreams.

And each year, there was another house under construction. In the five years that I have lived here, there has always been construction and my house is their parking garage. My dogs bark at them incessantly.

Yet through it all, there has been grace. My family has been my rock.  Friends have been supportive. My daughter has made extended visits. A friend gave me sage, minerals, and crystals to rid the home of sad energy. An outdoor lighting company heard my story and installed outdoor lighting at cost, creating an outdoor paradise.  I met new friends at the dog park.

Last year, I decided that I would no longer be a victim of the contractors. I resolved to take charge and build a life that I never saw coming.  I realized that I didn’t need a grand home and that my modest dwelling fit my new life.

And that is how we recover from grief and struggles; no Disney moments, just a refusal to quit, a determination to keep getting up each time we fall.

So last week my outdoor furniture was finally moved outdoors and I have new living room furniture to go with my new life.

Angela Rieck, a Caroline County native, received her PhD in Mathematical Psychology from the University of Maryland and worked as a scientist at Bell Labs, and other high-tech companies in New Jersey before retiring as a corporate executive. Angela and her dogs divide their time between St Michaels and Key West Florida. Her daughter lives and works in New York City.